Waiting for some kind of advice from the Doctor.  I’m screaming all the time I need someone to explain why I haven’t had the up-lift I would normally get after ECT.

I really need to feel better. There are lots of factors making this recovery so different to the others. I don’t like the house we are in. I can never get it tidy enough, I struggle with my mother in law and having her live with us was so-posed to make life easier and all it keeps doing is make me want to run, leave,I am also thinking the only way out of this is suicide. *I know I don’t want this but there is a hum in my body reminding me it’s still in me, still there waiting in the background.

The continued pressure and daily frustrations make me feel like a teeny tiny mouse racing round the hamster wheel. I cant get off, every time I try to get off I loose all my traction and end up a little mouse mess still spinning in that dam wheel.

I have tried asking MC what we need to do. What can we do to make the home a pleasant, warm, relatively happy.  I struggle every day, but I am seeing my Eldest struggle too. Not to the same extent of Bipolar, but she’s got so much on her plate and she has to navigate through my world and her school world. We still don’t have a path to follow. MC and I don’t know how to fix me. Med’s are changing again. *Yeay lets get messed up again, I get to go through the wash in wash out. Why cant there just be an injection and then ta-da you’re better.

Another day spent down and fighting the silent fight.

 

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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