Waiting for some kind of advice from the Doctor. I’m screaming all the time I need someone to explain why I haven’t had the up-lift I would normally get after ECT.
I really need to feel better. There are lots of factors making this recovery so different to the others. I don’t like the house we are in. I can never get it tidy enough, I struggle with my mother in law and having her live with us was so-posed to make life easier and all it keeps doing is make me want to run, leave,I am also thinking the only way out of this is suicide. *I know I don’t want this but there is a hum in my body reminding me it’s still in me, still there waiting in the background.
The continued pressure and daily frustrations make me feel like a teeny tiny mouse racing round the hamster wheel. I cant get off, every time I try to get off I loose all my traction and end up a little mouse mess still spinning in that dam wheel.
I have tried asking MC what we need to do. What can we do to make the home a pleasant, warm, relatively happy. I struggle every day, but I am seeing my Eldest struggle too. Not to the same extent of Bipolar, but she’s got so much on her plate and she has to navigate through my world and her school world. We still don’t have a path to follow. MC and I don’t know how to fix me. Med’s are changing again. *Yeay lets get messed up again, I get to go through the wash in wash out. Why cant there just be an injection and then ta-da you’re better.
Another day spent down and fighting the silent fight.