I feel that sometimes I can talk myself into believing everything will work out the way I hoped. For once in my Iife I won’t have to fight for my freedom. My life has been tough from the get go and I struggle too often with the voices in my head. Lately I have started on a new round of ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) all things went pear shaped with dodgy cabling that I was certainly not going to test out but I had the reminder in my phone say “ECT #5 Today”. My heart sunk to my knees. I had decided that #5 was going to be the last one for this lot. I was going to be happy, really happy. The wait the god dam wait is making me anxious and frustrated and my heart hurts. I’m struggling staying sane around my kids and the smallest things make me explode like a firecracker. I can’t control my frustrations and the kids are just being kids, I know this, I know this, I know they don’t need to be perfect, quiet, souls. They are my kids and those that know me know my kids can be boisterous, loud, obnoxious, messy and for me the frustrations when they aren’t listening or MC isn’t home and they are taking me for a ride make me question everything I am doing ,everything I have ever done, and am I the best option for the family. That last one is a doozy, It will often cross my mind that their lives without me and my messed up bipolar mentality will be much, much better.
All this doubt, pain and frustration running all through my head because the dam ECT machine won’t work! It is the way my head works. I struggle more often than most with the depressing way my head works. I am worthless, I am useless, I am broken, I am melancholy, I am crummy, I am inadequate. Who in their right mind would want to spend time with me, I struggle every day with all these feelings. I am supposed to be on the last step to happiness. Honestly I’m so close to saying ‘Get F%^$ed’ and l’ll just continue being this me. This me, may be broken and bruised but having to get the courage to say yes to ECT and the pain and the residual memory loss all over again takes so much for my broken soul.
So I have a clever brain burp and call the hospital to find out where we are at? So why is it the hospitals I have to deal with be so unorganised? I now have to wait for them to get back to me and give me a yes or no. The wait is painful, not being in control hurts.
The hospital I am dealing with borrowed a machine from a neighbouring hospital that is 1.5 hours away. The nurse I spoke with told me that the hospital only sent the machine and none of the cabling. Yep that’s right they only sent half of it. I lost my cool, I’m stressed enough as it is these people, These are Doctors working with electricity on my brain, MY BRAIN. I have no confidence in the department and I still need to wait to be contacted by the hospital to find out when we can go ahead with the procedures. Every day I wait I must try not to let my mind continue to regress and I continue to think of how far I wanted to be now. How close to that happiness I could have been.
Well Cheers, to the waiting game.