August Nearly Over

I have been avoiding writing for a while now. Well that’s a lie. I have been writing but am so anxious of posting it that I have post after post of life, my life and I don’t know what to do with all this mind jumble.

I have been in a massive slump.. deep low..suicidal thoughts and all . I was ready to check in at the ward as I was worried for my well being but I also told MC I wasn’t feeling safe.

So I have taken 10 days annual leave to try and re position my thought process. Access my value to those around me. Access my value to myself. The hardest part of my processing at present is I don’t trust my value. In work I feel I cant live up to expectation. I am always undermining my competence, I can actually do my job really well. I have the drive to work hard for the belief system I am employed with. I am proof that the environment I work in and the opportunity it has created will benefit the bigger picture. But I am struggling to see where I fit in to this. My inner demons are always pushing down my positive feelings. I am constantly pulling the mask forward to hide my despair. I am treading a line, a broken half smudged line.

I have kept myself busy working in my other job. Not the mum one the one with MC trying to be self employed , successful, different. I only seem to be good for paperwork, banking, phone calls, but I guess we stick to what were good at. But I’m busy and haven’t had time to process.

I am drinking wine. Perfect time to reflect; or just get wasted and forget the bullshit that I cant figure out.

My cycles are out of wack too. It is usually a 2 year meltdown period but it came around much faster this time. There have been “teenager hormones” happening in the house that I don’t understand due to my teenage years… (not really having them) and I have felt displaced sleeping on a mattress with MC like I am homeless in my own home. I still don’t have a DR. the whole process of having to restart the diagnosis process again terrifies me. I am defiantly self medicating with Alcohol and the like. I am lonely as fuck. I don’t have a friend. I have colleagues, people I look up to and for guidance… but they are not the kind that say lets go for a drink after work or a coffee. I don’t actually have anyone within the town I live that I could say hey lets chat. The anxiety of judgement also hampers this process; the process of finding friends. But that does not change the loneliness I feel.

Obviously, the wine this evening has created a loose keyboard but still one which is held back and withdrawn. Anxiety is a bitch.

What I have gathered from this post.

  • It’s the 30th August 2019
  • My anxiety is through the roof to a level that is not safe and manageable
  • I am having suicidal thoughts but have told loved ones of this
  • I need to figure out my WORK head space. What I want and need and what my value is
  • Wine can help and hinder
  • I’m lonely
  • I should probably invest in a DR. or Mood Stabiliser

Hopefully I can post some of the stuff I have written through September. I may as well share it with the ones who accidentally click and read..

Cheers to another glass.

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *