Ramblings for the New Year

So,  I am still flying solo on the Medical assistance area. Still no Dr or Medical Nurse. Still no friends to talk to. No one to share the dark dirty thoughts I have. I last wrote in October. And I truly wish I could say time has flown but that is a lie. Every day […]

Fog

I have been in a fog for a month or two. I don’t know how I am feeling. I am numb to whats in my head this may be a good thing but it could also bubble over and cause great pain in the future. I am trying to have focus on the future. Big […]

Blues… of the birthday

Ridiculously, I wrote about the birthday and the blues and all the feelings associated with it in a previous post,   It’s hard to believe that it has passed yet again, but my birthday blues has begun and with it I write.   I am Drunk. One beautiful bottle of red merlot down and I’m […]

There was this day

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING I am all over the shop. Understandably trying to come off medication is a hard task. A task I took on willingly, but I task I cannot complete. I had a terrible time this week sadly there was a day where I was the closest I have been in a long time […]

Break UP, It’s you.

He has left me. Not leaving me but has left. Obviously, I am a patient and he would have many but when you have finally found the right DR it can be devastating when they break up with you. This is a painful break up and it’s not me. It’s you. You broke up with […]

Remedy

Remedy

Honestly; I fear myself. At present my unpredictability and volatile personality make me worried that I’m totally losing the plot. Being up in the air again with my diagnosis I don’t have ways to explain why I am reacting the way I do. I have read that when people have ways to pin point triggers […]

Not Safe 08/02/2018

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING I have said “I am not safe” This is me asking for help.  This is me on the brink of a place I do not want to go. When I say that “I am not safe” I am making MC aware that the thoughts in my head are ones that suggest that […]

Early Word

Early Word

It’s cold. I’m naked under my dressing gown which doesn’t help with the cold and It only goes to just under my knees. Do all dressing gowns go to just under your knees? Or is mine just special.  The bottom half of my legs have the hairs standing on end sometimes I imagine them vibrating […]

3.52

3.52

Witching hour. 3.52am. I’m tossing and turning in bed. My backpain killers have worn off so I can feel the throbbing. Within the tossing and turning the thoughts have started. What will today be like? What was yesterday? Why the hell can’t I just snooze for another hour and get up at reasonable time. There […]

On The Slide

On The Slide

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING   I have been on the slide for at least 6 months but in the last month I have been unquestionably bad. It can be really hard to be honest with yourself but also to be honest with those closest. I know that MC hates when I message him that I don’t […]