My life is always a roller-coaster of emotions. I can’t remember the last time it wasn’t.
Being Bipolar and being Bipolar Depressive my lows can often last weeks and I suffer terribly with sadness and a broken heart. Trying to survive this lower than low depression can be one of the hardest fights in this lifetime.
I have been on a steady decline for months now and I was counting the signs. I felt I should try and get help because the worst part of the decline can happen very fast and that is when I become a hazard to my life and my families. I reached out to a social worker who has known me and my Bipolar for a long time. I begged for help and expressed an urgent need to seed a psychiatrist. This is through the government and the assistance is a slow process. First I see my GP and get a referral sent through to community mental health and await an appointment. With the pleading of my social worker she was able to organise an emergency appointment with the Doctor.
Before this I have a chat, going through my history and recap each stressor and aggravator. It’s important that we do this because every little bit of information will either help or hinder me on my road to recovery. When this conversation is happening I am aware of the suicidal thoughts, I know that they are bad and I’m honest about how easy it would be to run my car off the road and into a telegraph pole. I’m asked if I have a plan to do so, and if I am honest, I can say I have four spots on my drive home from town, which would be perfect.
I am locking myself away avoiding people and places. I have no drive to cook, I don’t want to spend time with the kids and I am finding that even the little things that shouldn’t bother me seem like massive impositions on my state of mind. It is not looking good for me but because I am asking for help I have a chance to turn this around with either a mix up of meds or therapies. I have been advised not to drive and to stay in contact until we see the doctor.
I am bringing MC with me to this doctor’s appointment this time. He sees my bipolar from a different angle and can help when I am not being honest. We both want me to get better, he more so than I do at this point.
It’s a new doctor again which means I have to go through the whole history and explain in detail about me and where I am at. Yes I have PTSD after being on the end of a shotgun when a robbery took place when I was 15 and working at KFC. Yes I was molested around the same time; yes I fell pregnant and had an abortion too. There were so many times when I was compromised as a teenager. My parents divorced under unreasonable conditions, my heart was broken by my father when I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22; I was not the child he had wanted or longed for. My brother had died and with that I grew up never being able to become the person he would have been.
Going through the past is hurtful and frustrating but I am hoping that this doctor can help me mend. I have stressed that I don’t want ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) again. The last doctor that gave me it said I might need maintenance ones every few years. I know that it works and my depression is removed but it is painful and really does affect my short-term memory. This doctor agrees about the ECT, it may not be necessary; first we will try changing my meds. We are upping my Seroquel to 500mg; it should help with my restless sleep and we will keep me out of the car. I will continue with being chauffeured around until we see uplift in my mood.
Instead of another appointment we just upped the Seroquel again to 600mg. I have not seen any change and my social worker has a script from the doctor for me to pick up. The doctor wants me to change to slow release Seroquel as it has been 2 months of waiting around. I’m worse, I’m frustrated all the time, I cry at the drop of a hat. I barely leave the house. I can’t stand the possibility of seeing someone I know. I used to like grocery shopping and planning the meals out and now I can’t even get up to cook toast, let alone a meal for the family. I’m in PJs all day and I can sleep all day but have terrible insomnia at night.
The worst thing is that not being able to drive has opened my mind to other suicidal thoughts where I’m dreaming of ways to die or finding my mind wander on the best way to disappear, leave, do I leave a note telling the kids that I love them so much that I have left so they have a happy life and then they can blame me? Do I fake my own abduction? Join a cult? MC tells me they need me; broken and all. He has said he can’t do it without me. I’m losing all my rationale now and falling deeper into my depression, I am now in the hardest place to get out of. Even though I was holding out hope for help, now I really couldn’t care less. I told MC I think I need to go into treatment otherwise I will die.
Rational me is screaming from the depths of despair for help, I know I don’t want to die. I need help. I need someone to hold me and tell me I’m going to get better and there is hope.
Depressed me is hurting, many, many years of hurt, drowning in sorrow. I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but to get there I have to fight every word ever said to me in hatred. I see every bad bipolar moment and have to try and crawl through it. This is a fight that I don’t have in me anymore.
MC said I should call my social worker again. I did. I said I need help now. I don’t have time on my side. She said that Community Mental Health had a new doctor again and I will have to go through this whole process yet again.
What am I going to do? Can I make it to this appointment? Am I going to cave and have ECT again? Will the system save me?
A work in progress!