Fight Demons

Trying to understand how I function has been a long hard process.

Being so deeply hurt and betrayed in many different yet pivotal moments in my life has created a life distorted by illness that I have to fight every day.

What is my human impulse of fight or fight? I want to do both I feel a need to fight every minute of every day to make it through to those small moments of clear thinking and feeling safe and secure form the bipolar demons. 

My need for flight is considerable. I often want to pack and run as I have been doing since I was 13 years old. When I couldn’t understand what was happening, what the emotions I was feeling meant, what the adrenaline was doing to my body. Running was the easiest way to push the madness aside. Trying to stay a foot ahead of the darkness that can consume me when I am feeling strong. The constant running from the words that were said to me in anger and frustration. Running from the despair and the lost endurance once had before the wretched assholes preyed on my innocence. The need for flight has become ingrained into my person, it is just a part of who I am now and who I have been for such a long time.

I fight for my children. I want them to have everything they would ever need or want. I cannot give them the stable parent they deserve, but I will give them every part I have left, broken and bent they have me in their corner with fists up ready to take the world on to protect them. 

It is hard to imagine the lengths I would honestly go to for my children but the one thing that I cannot protect them from is what I become when my illness shows up to take advantage of my happiness. What scares me the most is that they would fight for me, to save me from myself, to bring me back from the depths of my depression.  And if they do, they could lose themselves in the process and it would be my doing.   I could be their downfall. I could be their reason for flight, for them to run from the mentally ill mother they have. I may become the dark secret they may want to keep.

I am a fighter, I am still here today because I want to live. The demons can try and try again, I know they will always be waiting for that small window to take me with them.  

I know that the Flight or Fight response is an integral part of who I am, it doesn’t make it easier or harder.  I don’t actually know how I will react to any given situation

 

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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