Flu

Flu – Why have I been spared?

Why is it that I am the only person that is not sick with the flu at home? I know in a sane persons mind being the only one safe from the flu means the house will not fall apart but it is in these moments I have to fight desperately hard with my the bipolar me to be the parent and partner that they need. In these moments I have to put the family first.

I’m currently in a spin cycle with my medication being altered to stop me from sliding into a darkness that I will struggle to get out of. I don’t even have the luxury of getting in the car and driving into town to clear my head because I have be advised NOT to drive my car as I am at high risk of hurting myself. So I am fighting very hard to be the parental persona to look after the family. Ahh! Pushing forward.

When the kids have Panadol they tend to perk up, lose their temperature, their noses are running less and they get a great energy and continue to run amok for the day. There is always a huge comedown in the afternoon and no matter how hard I try they will not have a nap or even a chill-out on the couch watching Dr Phil or a Disney movie,  it is in this crash that the test really comes. The kids show defiance, and frustrations.  They are feeling unwell again and have no patience with each other.

So now I must cook a dinner that they will not eat anyway.  So my head says why bother. Lock yourself in your room away from everyone. Hide in the safe space between my doona and the mattress. Run Veronica, run as fast as you can, away from the flu you have so marvellously avoided. In my mind the kids are fine without me. Why are they fine? Aren’t I supposed to be there to care for them? Do they need me or don’t they? What happened to the strong parental persona from earlier in the week? Fight to be present, Veronica.

I also have my partner MC and he is sick too. For the first few days of the flu I attempted to get him to take cold and flu tablets to help relieve all aliments. But he is a man that can fight the flu with an arm tied round his back. It wasn’t until day 5 of being fluey and achy all over that he caved; yep that’s right he gave in and took some tablets. This didn’t get him to stop displaying all the traits of man flu and it didn’t get him out of bed.

Trying to navigate between all 4 of them and being housebound in this house full of flu demons has brought me down. Up and Down in the same second. Fight against my feelings of being abandoned by the flu bug and having to fight the germs alone.  Keep the house running and pray the flu runs its course as quickly as possible.

What a joke; It has been nearly 2 weeks and I’m still healthy. I must be like ‘the Boy in the plastic bubble” seriously, MC has now lost his voice so he is unable to back me up against the in house fighting with the kids. They are going crazy being locked indoors. I am going crazy locked indoors too.

I don’t know why I was spared the flu; I don’t know why I am not in a heap on the floor, rocking in fetal position.  I’m still trying to figure out how I managed the last 2 weeks. I made it through so that’s a bonus…..

Sincerely Veronica

About Vee180

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering bipolar person. I was diagnosed eight years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (bipolar disorder 2) and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and recently borderline personality. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life was more than what I had dreamt of. This blog is my way of working through my head. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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