I rarely get sick. So getting sick this week was a huge surprise to me;of all the weeks to feel so weak this is the week. Having gone ahead with the ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) anyway means that I was going to fall apart physically and emotionally, loose myself. It is not pleasant having to explain over and over that you feel sick, the hospital protocol is repeating the same information over and over so that it doesn’t get overlooked. So I explain that I have a cold, blocked nose, body aches and pains and I am trying to get confidence out of the nurses so I can fade off comfortably as the anesthetic works its magic.I go under what is called a general anesthetic so I will feel no electricity coursing through my brain. I feel NO pain. I try and remind the nurses that it is me they have to worry about; keep their focus on me.
The stress of ECT is playing with my mind. I tend to over think (you could call it stew on) what’s happening and then I get stuck in a figure 8 and play, were I am stuck over and over in a loop. Thinking the same sad, depressed, unhappy thoughts in that loop makes the life I am trying to leave behind, the life that I want to tear off me, remove all the sore and painful parts of my life and leave them behind; leave them in the dust. I want to leave this desperately unhappy person on the operating table. I don’t need to be reminded over and over of her breaking points.
After the next two ECT’s we should be able to see a huge, gigantic difference in my persona. Last time we stopped after four ECT’s and I was great for just under five years. What am I hunting for? Will I be able to go through with number six and number seven? Am I going to be able to keep up the extra treatments if I feel like I am on a roller-coaster, very unpredictable, horrible human’s roller-coaster! I need to save myself. Rescue me from all the pain.
I want to be as mentally healthy as I can be. I want to be available for my kids most importantly. They see most of my ups and downs and when I crash and I’m locked in my room I can hear the youngest banging on the door to come in. He doesn’t know why I’m hiding. Why am I hiding? He thinks he has done something and I am punishing him not punishing myself.
Being scattered and confused after ECT every time makes a life like mine difficult. I have lists and passwords saved. I am trying not to lose my head but I wake up lost, scattered and in pain. It is not easy and I am trying to bring the happiness.
The children all have varying degrees of understanding my illness.
My son who is the youngest; I asked him what was wrong with me and he said “your head mum”. I asked him will I get better? He believes so.
My middle child she said I need ECTeeeeees to zap my brain to erase my memory of the bad things that happened and make me feel better.
My Eldest child knows what’s going on and can remember remarkably well from the last block of ECT’s I had. She is worried that I will forget big things, like the pets or her little brother. I haven’t forgotten those ‘BIG’ things. It is the smaller things like passwords, email addresses that are forgotten.
Why do I have to fight this battle again? I have to try and become the strong woman my family needs. I will take every step necessary in becoming the strong, on guard, the “Tonka Tuff” woman this family needs.
A work in progress!