I’m still lost.

I have been feeling lost, frustrated, angry, tired and these are all common words often used as a quick way to explain the pain we feel and the easy way to end the question, how are you?  I hate the question and to be honest people hate asking me because I have learnt now the fastest way to know if you are friend or foe is to be honest that I am Bipolar sometimes up sometimes down.

In my life I was blessed with tonnes of bullshit and it started at a very young age when I lost my older brother.

I am working on myself every day ok some days I don’t get out of bed. But I have put my brain through the rigors of ECT in 3 different batches. I’m better but I can’t look at myself in the mirror because the woman I see isn’t the me I want to be.

I spend so much of my time scrambling, crawling trying to find the way out of my bipolar maze.  I still don’t understand how I have become so lost. When I was a teenager I got hurt more than once, I ended up out in the big, wide world on my own too young.  Trying to navigate without support, without love, without security, I had begun my journey without anyone to guide me, encourage me or show me the right path.

Being frustrated and not having an outlet every-so-often I have a tantrum. I throw things, kick the walls, scream, yell, threaten self harm, threaten to run away and all this as my way of working through my frustrations. As I try to learn more about what my frustrations mean I have been advised by family that I can be the hardest to judge and can be a live wire, unpredictable. Bahhhh do me a favour read a description of bipolar disorder. No wonder I’m frustrated.

I’m angry. ANGRY, I’m angry on so many levels with so many different levels with my bipolar. I have an anger that is so deep down from trying to garner approval from my parents as a child.  I have a frantic anger at the asshole that held a shotgun at my temple. There were a few men that used my immaturity to benefit themselves. I’m angry that I’m in a small country town, with a Mental Health system that is archaic.

I find now that I need a nap most days I struggle to find the energy to get up until lunch time.  I find small things make me tired. When I wake up if the house is buzzing and my kids are happy, I will stay in bed until they have left for school, more than anyone my kids deserve a happiness I am still trying to find. I know that if they continue to see me tired on top of my extra bipolar burdens and they will be conditioned to the same atmosphere I am in.

It all comes down to me trying to find me, working on the feelings kept deep down and bringing them to the surface so I disconnect the umbilical cords keeping them attached to me and hope that I am close to finding the psychologist I need.

 

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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