Jealousy why?

Sometimes I feel like a teenager in my head.

I struggle having conversations with Eldest and I seem to butt heads over and over again.  How am I supposed to continue being the adult when I can’t focus at all?

I am often fazed by her fabulous relationship with her father. She adores him, they have an unwavering friendship, they are like B1 and B2 those dam Bananas in Pyjamas.

I can understand how illogical this is and how insane I sound me being jealous of them but I have to fight hard with the demons in my head. This struggle is ongoing and no matter how much I want to be normal my bipolar disorder really has its claws in and I have a war to fight.

I know where these feelings come from I mean everyone that knows me knows my childhood was broken, my teenager years could not have been any more tragic, I had to grow up fast and support myself and my weed habit. I grew up confused about men and their intentions. I became a young mum.  But why?…..Why am I so angry?  The love in their relationship is wonderful. I know this. I love that he can give her everything I missed out on.

That is the rub you see. I have a hurt so deep down that I struggle with it very often.  I can’t see my dad without out these feelings; I can’t read his gushy facebook post without feeling like a non-existent family member you know the one you only see on Christmas.  I have these broken feelings when I see his abundant love for my siblings and step siblings. It is then when I become that child just wanting to be important in his eyes. Back then I had to compete with so many members of the family and I was never good at that, I would run and hide, push everyone away.  This whole pushing people away is now second nature I can push with a blink of my eye.  I am so distant I really only speak with my siblings for birthdays and messages on facebook and even then they rarely reply back.  I am the one will all the baggage.

The distance is something I created.  Being bipolar hurts relationship and the struggle is one that I have to work with everyday.  I have this terrible reaction to my dad I fill completely up with frustration and anger and a desperate sadness. I have panic attacks if I know I have to socialise with him. I used to get really drunk and cause a scene and then MC would bundle me up and take me home. I’m not indulging much anymore and not causing scenes even though they were always well remembered (hahaha). I have those panic attacks regardless.

I don’t know if I will ever get what I need from my dad he has never acknowledged any part in my years of distress and has often passed the buck but I know some people never change and therefore my story will often have a hole in it.

*side note; even just these small words about this pain has caused me to sob through writing this.

 

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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