Sometimes I feel like a teenager in my head.
I struggle having conversations with Eldest and I seem to butt heads over and over again. How am I supposed to continue being the adult when I can’t focus at all?
I am often fazed by her fabulous relationship with her father. She adores him, they have an unwavering friendship, they are like B1 and B2 those dam Bananas in Pyjamas.
I can understand how illogical this is and how insane I sound me being jealous of them but I have to fight hard with the demons in my head. This struggle is ongoing and no matter how much I want to be normal my bipolar disorder really has its claws in and I have a war to fight.
I know where these feelings come from I mean everyone that knows me knows my childhood was broken, my teenager years could not have been any more tragic, I had to grow up fast and support myself and my weed habit. I grew up confused about men and their intentions. I became a young mum. But why?…..Why am I so angry? The love in their relationship is wonderful. I know this. I love that he can give her everything I missed out on.
That is the rub you see. I have a hurt so deep down that I struggle with it very often. I can’t see my dad without out these feelings; I can’t read his gushy facebook post without feeling like a non-existent family member you know the one you only see on Christmas. I have these broken feelings when I see his abundant love for my siblings and step siblings. It is then when I become that child just wanting to be important in his eyes. Back then I had to compete with so many members of the family and I was never good at that, I would run and hide, push everyone away. This whole pushing people away is now second nature I can push with a blink of my eye. I am so distant I really only speak with my siblings for birthdays and messages on facebook and even then they rarely reply back. I am the one will all the baggage.
The distance is something I created. Being bipolar hurts relationship and the struggle is one that I have to work with everyday. I have this terrible reaction to my dad I fill completely up with frustration and anger and a desperate sadness. I have panic attacks if I know I have to socialise with him. I used to get really drunk and cause a scene and then MC would bundle me up and take me home. I’m not indulging much anymore and not causing scenes even though they were always well remembered (hahaha). I have those panic attacks regardless.
I don’t know if I will ever get what I need from my dad he has never acknowledged any part in my years of distress and has often passed the buck but I know some people never change and therefore my story will often have a hole in it.
*side note; even just these small words about this pain has caused me to sob through writing this.