My Impulses

My impulses can often be a burden.  I find that when I want something no matter how hard it is to acquire or expensive or ridiculously impractical the impulse needs to be actioned as quickly as possible.

I have been this way for a very long time. For me when I was younger I would do silly things on small impulses.  When I would spend the weekend in town with my friends when I was 14 we would have such beautiful long days on the beach and window shopping.  It was never hard to pocket a lipstick or eye shadow.  It wasn’t hard as a rowdy group of teenagers back then those moments were some beautiful memories, carefree and happy days.

I have been able to support myself for a long time working crappy jobs, when I was a few months shy of 16 years old I moved out of home and into a share house.  I had two small cupboards in the kitchen, a small space in the fridge and my room which was my haven.  I was always mistaken for woman so I was able to buy my own smokes and alcohol which enabled me to pretend to be an adult.  The share house opened my eyes and I learned new things, and considering the other house members liked to party and were considerably older than me it opened a door to things I had only heard about.  I began to smoke weed on a daily basis and the drinking was excessive.  There were parties held and drugs taken and plenty of easy sex for those who wanted it.  Weekend benders with no sleep, comedown days spent at theme parks; I know that it was wrong to take drugs but I was having fun.  It was easy to be happy this way as the drug high made me feel strong and invincible.  The weed seemed to oppress impulsiveness, which at the time was limited due to paying rent and for transport, it was still there but I didn’t have a huge need for stuff cause when I was stoned I would read or write.

A lot happened to me in the years 14 to 20, all those wonderful environmental factors. These I am still working through, but what has come of them is the need to give myself instant gratification with stuff.  Yes material things make me happy; it just means I need more things to keep the feeling going.

My impulsiveness has come in many forms.  I like to feel the pain in a physical form so I get tattoos and piercings and sometimes hurt myself.  After a really rough and drunken evening near my twentieth birthday I took a lot of tablets and had said my prayers and thought that this was it.  When I woke up in the morning I was in so much emotional and physical pain that I made the impulsive decision to get the word love tattooed on my left wrist.  I guess I punished myself with the tattoo.  I have the VW symbol tattooed on my foot as a reminder of my brother and as a memory.  When my grandfather passed away last year and we came down for his funeral, the day after I got three piercings in my ear at a handsome sum of $250.  Just to feel the pain; what an exorbitant impulse.

I find that if I get my mind set on a handbag I can’t wait two weeks to buy it and I must have it now.  If we are going on a holiday I need a new shirt, foundation or lipstick.  My need for them is now.  I can be impulsive when it comes to jewellery and if I find something I want I will do what I can to make money even if that includes selling stuff that I do have so I can buy it.  This means sometimes going to the pawn shop even if regret creeps in later.

My biggest impulse comes in the form of hair colour and cuts.  I can change it two or three times in a month.  Most recently I went from orange to a beautiful blonde and then bam lets go purple.  Why? well why not.  I hated the purple and I had stripped it out within a week.   After this I had to get a decent section of hair cut off and treatments to fix all the damage.  This cost me a pretty penny and it was all on impulse.

My impulsiveness is also rather intimidating especially when I’m depressed as it can be hard to fight the suicidal urges.  This becomes my social worker’s nightmare and my psychologists dream to add it to my list of stressors.  Being a very depressed person makes it so easy to be reckless when looking for the next high.  Being irrationally impulsive means menial and small things get put on a pedestal and become coveted because each has that little high attached.

I for the most part am text book impulsivity and so these urges will continue to be met until I become stable.  It’s so frustrating being able to see this in myself and not being strong enough to fight the impulse as it is happening.   I’m still a work in progress.

.Sincerely Veronica
A work in progress!

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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