Not Safe 08/02/2018

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING

I have said “I am not safe” This is me asking for help.  This is me on the brink of a place I do not want to go. When I say that “I am not safe” I am making MC aware that the thoughts in my head are ones that suggest that it is time to end my life. This is always a taboo subject and one that is often skimmed over and makes people uncomfortable. Most of the time it is lack of understanding that causes peoples skin to crawl. My skin crawls too. I am asking for help I am trying to save my life. My safety is compromised, and I don’t want it to be. I don’t want today to be my last day. I don’t want to give in. I keep fighting but, in these moments, I don’t know if I can control the urge if it comes to it. If I put my hands down and let the demon win I will not have a chance for regret, I will not get back up. It will have won.

My mum asked me, and it is fair for her to ask, is it ‘’I want to kill myself’’ or have “I just had enough?’’ I answered ‘’both’’. It is more a combination that I have had enough of the talk in my head, the over and over of thoughts, the loathing I have for my existence, to kill myself would relieve me of my pain and I wouldn’t have to fight back, it would be a relief.

I know the aftermath of these actions and the destruction it does to those left behind. I DON’T WANT TO DO IT!  I want to be around for all the great achievements of my children. I want to see their families be a grandparent, I want to grow old, have grey hair.

I am not safe is my cry for help. I know I can’t be rescued but there are ways to intervene, but I need help to do this.

What is not understood is that my thoughts are that life for others will be better without me. And I think of the ways that I can do it. The ways that I could be swift. The way that I could do it right now. What are the options I have on hand within reach? What happens if it happens? What if that little fighter in my head that is holding it off pushing back. What if it lets go.  I can’t promise it won’t happen. I can’t say NO I won’t go through with it. I can’t say that. I don’t think I can save myself from me.

I am not safe. I don’t know how long it is for. I don’t know how long I have been sliding for. All I know right now is; yesterday I fought and today I am fighting but tomorrow may never come for me.

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About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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