On The Slide

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING

 

I have been on the slide for at least 6 months but in the last month I have been unquestionably bad. It can be really hard to be honest with yourself but also to be honest with those closest. I know that MC hates when I message him that I don’t feel safe but I also know that if I don’t tell him I am at a huge risk of not making it through to the next day.  It is super hard to verbalise that I am thinking about suicide. It is floating around my thoughts all day and I can find many ways to do it even in the most mundane things too.  I have even contemplated doing it with a straw.

I am angry with myself because I don’t want to do it. But regardless of this anger it is at the forefront of my thoughts now.  And being “high risk” it is a very real possibility it could happen. (This scares the shit out of me)

I know what it would do to my children and MC if it were to happen and I promised myself years ago that the kids would never have to go through that kind of sadness growing up and this would be a devastating, soul-destroying event to put anyone through. And although I have promised this I just don’t know, it’s the thoughts the little demons that have me tied up inside.

The constant circling in my head over and over that the world would be far better off without me in it, that I have done more harm to the kids being mentally unstable than they deserve, I often hear that my life is hopeless, I am worthless, I am stupid, people don’t like me. I’m weird, I am unloved, I ruin everything that I touch. I’m fucking everyone over, I am a liar, I should sell my soul but even the devil doesn’t want me. Within this there is an echo that follows me around saying; I should die.  Give up the battle. Make things better for yourself. Do it.  You have 100 plans on how to do it. Pick one its easy, take that last breath. Get it over with. You are a loser. Stop wasting time. People don’t like you. You are too weird for friends, no one can understand you. Stop putting your problems on others, you take responsibility, it’s your fault you are sick. You are hopeless. Stop fucking up your children. You deserved everything you got. You asked for all of it. You are a piece of shit. You were a mistake, you are a mistake, there Is no other option for you

The circling changes in to hatred. Loathing of my existence. These words are in my head. This is just the tip of what is happening on the inside. There is this hatred so embedded within me that it simmers, a deep hatred of me. I hate me.

I don’t want to end my life! I know this, but how do I stop these thoughts? How do I switch it off?

I am proactive in my therapy I take my medication religiously… I want to be well enough that I can go a day without any of these thoughts. My mind threatens my life, my thoughts want me to die. I fight, I am trying but treading water and I’m not doing it very well. Doctor has decided that we should add to my Lamotrigine a mood stabiliser. It’s called Moclobemide it can work with major depression. It is a MAOI;  Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs) were some of the first antidepressants to be developed. These days, MAOIs are not frequently prescribed as initial treatment for depression because of their potential for serious side effects and interactions with other medicines and certain foods. However, they can be useful in treating depression in some cases when other medicines have been ineffective.1

How they work

Depression is believed to be associated with low levels of chemicals that are involved with transmitting signals between nerve cells in the brain. The MAOI antidepressants work by stopping the breakdown of these chemicals so that more of them stay in the brain helping to transmit the signals. This is a slightly different action to tricyclic antidepressants and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).2

It has been a week and I have not noticed any change but this is not uncommon. I have been actively trying for the last 11 years to find the right balance and we just aren’t there yet. I am working on myself for me, but with these suicidal thoughts I contradict everything I am doing.

Suicide makes me cringe, hearing about it, reading about it, watching it in movies and on TV shows, but the incessant bubble, bubble, bubble within me is always here.

Recently Eldest had a friend’s father committed suicide. The sadness I saw in her eyes and the helplessness I felt because I know that one day it could possibly be her in the story and I am scared! I have seen the damage in a friend when I was younger I saw her go through all the feelings and the grief that one goes through in the fall out.  The unexpected fall out associated in situations out of your control because you are a suicide survivor, you were the ones left behind.

Without question I don’t want to be that person. I am working so hard to not be that person.

As I said previously the circling of thoughts are hard to comprehend on the best of days but in the dark they are suffocating. I get so rapt up listening to my head that I am not present for the good things in my life like family, relatively good physical health (my chronic back issues are a contributing factor in my depression too by not being able to be active but on the flip I have recently dropped 23 kilos!). We have a comfortable loving home (we just painted every wall in the house and had new carpet installed). There is job security (our bills are paid we have food on the table the children want for nothing). People have said to me to look at all the good in your life and I do. Yes; I can see all the good but that doesn’t change what’s happening in my head and this leads to the suicidal ideation. These thoughts have placed me in the ward. This mentality I have is destroying me.

I am ashamed that I cannot control the intensity of my thoughts and how vulnerable they leave me. I am terrified that tomorrow I’ll be gone and I will have become another suicide statistic.

I will keep on the mood stabiliser in the hopes that I will become “stable” enough to slow the thoughts and give me some time to climb up the ladder again. I need to delay this slide so I can keep the promise I made.

 

 

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1 http://www.mydr.com.au/mental-health/monoamine-oxidase-inhibitors-maois-for-depression

2 http://www.mydr.com.au/mental-health/monoamine-oxidase-inhibitors-maois-for-depression

 

 

 

 

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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