I am still flying solo on the Medical assistance area. Still no Dr or Medical Nurse. Still no friends to talk to. No one to share the dark dirty thoughts I have.
I last wrote in October. And I truly wish I could say time has flown but that is a lie. Every day I struggle with what’s in my had I have contemplated suicide more than 15 times and it is currently only 9pm on Tuesday Night. This is truly ludicrous. I can see the mental instability within me. Cracks forming but I don’t know where to go. I don’t know who to ask for help I only know one person that knows how to help and the help I think I need he promised me never to put me in that place again.
Okay so I don’t know If I am that close to being admitted but I do feel like I am losing control. Steady decline possibly.
I have been working surprisingly hard. Not feeling terribly appreciated but working hard none the less. Often putting my hand up for tasks as a people pleaser does. Having an income coming in is nothing to balk at but not being able to be me isn’t. Mind you I’m still trying to figure out what me is. or who I am. I have so many versions of me to navigate it is hard to differentiate who’s who. I have noticed the manic high pitched overzealous super hyper and silly Veronica emerging. This should be high alert, sirens blasting. But she is fucking awesome and I don’t want to push her all the way back down. People need to see her and love her.
She is trouble and, in the moments of silence I can see the real Veronica hiding in the darkness looking out wondering what way is up.
I am on a see saw now. Drinking again, suicidal thoughts/ideation (which is what the NEW term is) Looking for any excuse to run away. Any excuse to run my car into a tree. Fall into the ocean and be swept away. Fall asleep in the shower. Sink into quicksand. Any way I can avoid being me.
But I WAKE UP. Put on my red dress. Do everything that is required of me just keep doing it. Yet still wanting to find out which one of the ME’s I am, I keep doing what is required and putting me deeper and deeper into the darkness. Compartmentalizing everything foreign (as was suggested by the last mental health nurse I saw after my Dr left me).
Conversations, thoughts and manic wordings…….. Was thinking posts, novels, short stories, poetry… can’t string my ramblings together.
- New people in your life that understand you, but still treat you like a fucking alien.
- Lost in time travel and whether to go forward and compartmentalize all of the past or find a better alternative.
- Drink yourself stupid. Break the rules let out the beaten and battered self that shines when she is free.
- Run as far away as possible, buy the ticket to nowhere, just go. Sleep on the bench in a foreign land.
- Break everything, smash it, cut it, dye it, burn it, drown it, throw it.
I’m a full blown mess.
I have read this all back a few times and even reading this I am confusing myself. How hard it must be to on the other end of me.
Lets wait and see where Veronica is headed.