Sell my Soul

I’m struggling to keep myself together and yes it has tonnes to do with my situation at home at the moment.

There are a few “stressors” and I will share them with you.

The biggest thing is it is school holidays and the kids have been home nearly every day, apart from Eldest having sleepovers with her cousin and a couple of days for youngest spent at Preschool. Every day with no reprieve they are full on hectic children, always hungry, always loud and always fighting.  We don’t have any family here to help and having a lack of friends her also we are stuck together in a house that is too small and we are in the summer heat.  I am beyond frustrated and all I want to do is run away.

We have had NO income other than unemployment benefits and this barley covers our rent and food.  We have slowly fallen behind in rent and have been using food stamps to purchase out of date food to eat. Having pasta every night has become mundane and I am desperate for a juicy steak and yummy salad. I am fairly sure that within the next month we will be given our marching orders and be evicted from the house we are in. I have a payment plan to pay off the massive electricity bill and I’m fairly sure the internet /phones will be cut off shortly too. MC is having a hard time not being able to support us and has been having debilitating headaches which I know are stressed related but how am I to survive if the person I rely on to keep me safe is struggling also?

I have had a bad back for 12 years after a 7 car pileup.  It has become so bad that I am on pain killers every day, my sleep is terrible and some days I can’t even get up out of bed. The doctor has asked me to have an MRI scan but I have to pay $200 for it and feeding the kids is more important at the present than getting the scan done. This is heavily contributing to my depression but I have to continue in this state until a miracle happens.

I have been job hunting every day even when I just don’t want to but where we live is a “small” country town where there are no jobs. So I am searching 5 hours away in the town I was born.  I don’t know if moving home is the right thing to do but it must be better than how we are living at the moment.  I will have more support with my siblings and a few people to take the kids when I need help or space now it seems we will make the trip home earlier if we get evicted. I will just have to continue to search and hope something better comes.

I am stressed that I won’t be able to get the kids there new school shoes and uniforms. I know I have to sell some of my gold to get some money to buy the uniforms but it is now 3 lots of everything plus the book levy x 3. I don’t know how I am going to get it figured out but I am going to have to. The one thing that I never wanted to do was to let them down and not be able to give them what they want or need and at this moment I am so close to selling my soul to the devil to make things better.

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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