I am emotionally frustrated I don’t know why I am so stressed with my mother-in-law coming back to live with us again.  I am so worried that when the atmosphere changes at home the pressure that I was under before I finished ECT will rear its ugly head and I’ll have some old demons pop up.

My Mother-in-law is a good woman but she has her own ideas about how we parent the children and the way MC and I exist, this more often than not gets me uppity and angry underneath but I will usually get out of the house and focus on being strong, well and a step ahead instead of frustrated and stressed. I don’t know where I am emotionally, left, right, up or down. Arugh.

I shut myself down when I am stressed, every part of me disappears in to its mental cocoon, I go quiet, I lose my ability to make eye contact with people including my children, I get frustrated over the smallest of things, I struggle trying to be social enough to do the groceries. Which essentially means I just don’t bother. I’m lucky MC is capable.

I went through all the ECT to get myself well again, I have to figure out what’s going on.  I am only a few weeks out from ECT I should be feeling good. I know that my memory is still coming back. Trust me I am suffering with the memory loss.  When one of my children ask me a question and look at me, stare at me whilst I figure out if I know the answer or if it is lost to us all. Seeing their disappointment in me hurts so much. I am trying to become the mother they deserve but I just keep failing, over and over again.

I have contacted to Community Mental Health and I asked for an appointment with the doctor. I need to discuss my medication and why it is not working. Discuss follow up therapy, although therapy has never really worked for me I am running out of options. I have to wait ‘6 weeks’ that’s right, ‘6 weeks’ to see the doctor. I feel like I’m headed back to the mental unit. I have to stay strong and safe.

Looks like I have to keep putting one foot in front of another.