Stay a step ahead.

I am emotionally frustrated I don’t know why I am so stressed with my mother-in-law coming back to live with us again.  I am so worried that when the atmosphere changes at home the pressure that I was under before I finished ECT will rear its ugly head and I’ll have some old demons pop up.

My Mother-in-law is a good woman but she has her own ideas about how we parent the children and the way MC and I exist, this more often than not gets me uppity and angry underneath but I will usually get out of the house and focus on being strong, well and a step ahead instead of frustrated and stressed. I don’t know where I am emotionally, left, right, up or down. Arugh.

I shut myself down when I am stressed, every part of me disappears in to its mental cocoon, I go quiet, I lose my ability to make eye contact with people including my children, I get frustrated over the smallest of things, I struggle trying to be social enough to do the groceries. Which essentially means I just don’t bother. I’m lucky MC is capable.

I went through all the ECT to get myself well again, I have to figure out what’s going on.  I am only a few weeks out from ECT I should be feeling good. I know that my memory is still coming back. Trust me I am suffering with the memory loss.  When one of my children ask me a question and look at me, stare at me whilst I figure out if I know the answer or if it is lost to us all. Seeing their disappointment in me hurts so much. I am trying to become the mother they deserve but I just keep failing, over and over again.

I have contacted to Community Mental Health and I asked for an appointment with the doctor. I need to discuss my medication and why it is not working. Discuss follow up therapy, although therapy has never really worked for me I am running out of options. I have to wait ‘6 weeks’ that’s right, ‘6 weeks’ to see the doctor. I feel like I’m headed back to the mental unit. I have to stay strong and safe.

Looks like I have to keep putting one foot in front of another.

 

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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