There was this day

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING

I am all over the shop. Understandably trying to come off medication is a hard task. A task I took on willingly, but I task I cannot complete.

I had a terrible time this week sadly there was a day where I was the closest I have been in a long time to going over the cliff. I was angry and devastatingly sad. I was so close that I had written and signed the note.

MC was out of the house the kids were out of the house and the darkness inside consumed me. My worthlessness swallowed me like quicksand, but this was the quickest sand I had been in. NO trigger, just a switch flicked, and I couldn’t see my purpose. Wasted space on this planet.

I showered and while I was in the shower I called MC, I told him not to bring the kids home, to not come home at all I didn’t tell him I wasn’t safe which is how I let him know I’m having dark thoughts. I just wanted him to stay away. I guess this was enough for him to understand. He told me to wait for him, to promise I would wait for him to come home. I said I can’t make that promise. I fought in the moment to call him, something inside was reaching to save me. But I was so lost I could not promise he would make it home in time. I finished my shower and in my head I was thinking what clean underwear I should put on. What a ridiculous thing to be considering. But I was.

Marko made it home as I was getting onto the bed. He must have sped, and I am grateful he did. I couldn’t sit next to him on the bed to “talk” I had to stand up. I couldn’t make eye contact with him.  He asked why, and I had no answer just that I couldn’t do it anymore. He told me to think of the kids and that he knows I couldn’t hurt them this way, but I had apologised for this in my note. I shrugged and said they would get over it eventually. I have never just shrugged off this action before. Never have I ever cared so little of how it would hurt them. I shrugged, all I could do was shrug. I can’t explain what I was thinking. Or why I was so keen to go. What an awful thing for MC to hear. I was ready to go, and I was doing it regardless of our chat. I asked him to leave. As he walked out the door he said the kids love you, I love you. I didn’t respond.

You would be asking why he left. How could he leave to let me do it? He wasn’t letting me do it. He drove to the Dr surgery and made me an emergency appointment. He called and asked me to come in first. Can I do that for him. I said yes, someone inside was trying to stop me. But I was still in mind to kill myself. I knew how long I had before he got home again. I took a Valium just one, we had enough to put me to sleep. I wasn’t rushing myself, there was someone inside fighting to stay alive. That someone that was hoping he made it back fast. MC made it back. But I had every medication we had in front of me when I heard him walk through the door. I had my glass of water and the big bottle of water ready to top up the glass. I was 100% ready to follow through with the demon wanting to take my life. MC was back.

He was scared. He sat on the bed. I gave him my note, so he would understand where I was it is 7 pages of words to him and to the kids. How awful for him to read my last thoughts, read why I shrugged, to see the sadness on paper. Again, there was someone deep inside reaching to be saved.

He asked me to hug him, but I couldn’t I was ridged with fear that I am so close to death. He asked if I wanted to go to the appointment on my own, yet he knew it wasn’t safe for me to drive in these moments. I answered with a shrug. He drove me to the appointment.

He explained my decline and that it seems to be a fast decline into the depression. I could offer a trigger, the really wasn’t one. I just dropped to the conclusion that I wasn’t worthy enough to live. What an awful way to feel. Hideous way to think. I have written of this before in prior posts. The thoughts are always the same. But the impulse to end it all was too risky and far too fast. I had no trigger, fuck there was not a thing that set me towards this feeling it just immerged.

This impulse has shown that the chemical imbalance in my head needs medication to stay stable. I need to keep my mood stable to stay alive. We are increasing the dose again. This medication works (Lamotrigine) DR had said it was the last one we should try my last line of defence. So, we upped it to the therapeutic level that worked before. With the possibility to increase it more if necessary.

I was in a good place before I thought I was ready to come off it. It is common to be in such a good place that you feel euphoric enough you can cope with out the meds. My lows weren’t as prevalent before although they were still scary, and we needed to be cautious. When I wasn’t depressed I was good. Happy, I smiled and functioned well. I was in the mind that I could handle being off all the medication. I was doing the withdrawal with DR supervision, I wasn’t just stopping it all disregarding the warnings on the packets. I have withdrawn before to change medications. We were doing it safely in small increments. But due to the chemical imbalance in my head I need the medication to stay alive. I haven’t failed myself. We just learnt in a very scary way that this is my life. A medicated one but this is what I need to live.

I have increased the meds. I have had a lift. I was laughing yesterday. At the back of my thoughts I am still thinking of suicide it is still there. But there is a lift and in a weeks’ time I will have the right dosage I had to be therapeutic and hopefully the whispers will be dull enough to function. I don’t know if I am at peace yet with the fact that my depression is treatment resistant and I will be medicated for the rest of my life. I know that I will have these terrible lows that push me to extinction, but we are aware of this, so we can be alert. Not the best way to live but it is living.

I know I never want to hurt my kids or my family. I know that suicide is devastating, some say selfish. Understanding what happens inside my mind is a black hole that is yet to be explained.

I wrote my note, I signed my note. I was close enough to do it.

I am alive. I survived this time. Sadly, there is always the real possibility that one day I won’t make it. Sadly, I might not have MC. Sadly I could break my babies’ hearts, but today I am alive. Here to see them happy. I will take my medication religiously to try and prevent it. I will continue with my therapy, continue taking the steps to be a functioning adult. I will continue to write about my life with a mental illness, be frank and honest. My words help me. My words may help someone else.

I am here today for no one else but myself. This is a win. This is a good day. I must take my days as they come. Enjoy the happy moments. Take these moments and mark them.

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About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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