When is it safe?

After being moved from the surgery waiting room to the recovery waiting room I am observed and monitored to make sure there are no adverse reactions to the anesthetic or the ECT. I get a nice cold juice and a sandwich and the nurse checks my blood pressure, pulse and respiration and continue to observe me on their gigantic recliners which are quite comfy, add to them the heat pack blanket  and I get to wait for MC to pick me up and today he brings the little man. Boy he was loud and he was cheeky too telling the nurse what to do with me and where I have to go.

The biggest ECT issue that I am struggling with is my loss of memory.  I knew that it would be the hardest cards on the table.  I know that I have to fight really hard to keep my memory, to remember the easy day to day tasks like Basketball after school on Tuesdays. When the garbage bins go out.  These seem small but they haven’t changed in the three years we have lived in this house. I should not forget them at all. I should not forget any. But I continue to forget passwords, the Bold and the Beautiful story line (my favorite TV show ever) and general conversations with MC or the children and I don’t have any recollection of the conversation. The worst was cooking and then forgetting I had cooked one hour earlier. And then asking why the house smelt of bacon.

I have to put so much trust in my family and pray that they will continue to look out for me and keep reminding me about all the things I keep forgetting. The one thing I will never forget is how much I love them.

What is the best option for my family, it will often cross my mind that their lives without me and my messed up bipolar mentality will be much, much better.

All this doubt, pain and frustration running all through my head because the dam ECT machine won’t work! It is the way my head works. I struggle more often than most with the depressing way my head works. I am worthless, I am useless, I am broken, I am melancholy, I am crummy, I am inadequate. Who in their right mind would want to spend time with me, I struggle every day with all these feelings.  I am supposed to be on the last step to happiness.  Honestly I’m so close to saying ‘Get F%^$ed’ and l’ll just continue being this me. This me, may be broken and bruised but having to get the courage to say yes to ECT and the pain and the residual memory loss all over again takes so much for my broken soul.

So I have a clever brain burp and call the hospital to find out where we are at? So why is it the hospitals I have to deal with be so unorganized? I now have to wait for them to get back to me and give me a yes or no. The wait is painful, not being in control hurts.

The hospital I am dealing with borrowed a machine from a neighboring hospital that is 1.5 hours away. The nurse I spoke with told me that the hospital only sent the machine and none of the cabling.  Yep that’s right they only sent half of it. I lost my cool, I’m stressed enough as it is these people are Doctors working with electricity on my brain.  I have no confidence in the department and I still need to wait to be contacted by the hospital to find out when we can go ahead with the procedure.  Every day I wait I try not to let my mind continue to regress and I continue to think of how far I wanted to be now. How close to that happiness I could have been. Well Cheers, to the waiting game.

SO I got to have ECT #3 today and boy was it painful.  I knew having the time in between would heighten the chances of it being more painful but I was hoping I was strong enough to shrug it off. The pain was all physical; my jaw especially around my ears was aching and my mouth from the clenching just continued to throb until I managed to take some Panadine Forte. Most of my muscles ached today I spent longer than normal in the waiting room, I was struggling to wake up properly and get up and out of the anesthetic fog I was in.

After being moved from the surgery waiting room to the recovery waiting room I am observed and monitored to make sure there are no adverse reactions to the anesthetic or the ECT. I get a nice cold juice and a sandwich and the nurse checks my blood pressure, pulse and respiration and continue to observe me on their gigantic recliners which are quite comfy, add to them the heat pack blanket  and I get to wait for MC to pick me up and today he brings the little man. Boy he was loud and he was cheeky too telling the nurse what to do with me and where I have to go.

The biggest ECT issue that I am struggling with is my loss of memory.  I knew that it would be the hardest cards on the table.  I know that I have to fight really hard to keep my memory, to remember the easy day to day tasks like Basketball after school on Tuesdays. When the garbage bins go out.  These seem small but they haven’t changed in the three years we have lived in this house. I should not forget them at all. I should not forget any. But I continue to forget passwords, the Bold and the Beautiful story-line (my favorite TV show ever) and general conversations with MC or the children and I don’t have any recollection of the conversation. The worst was cooking and then forgetting I had cooked one hour earlier. And then asking why the house smelt of bacon.

I have to put so much trust in my family and pray that they will continue to look out for me and keep reminding me about all the things I keep forgetting. The one thing I will never forget is how much I love them.

 

 

 

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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