Witching hour. 3.52am.

I’m tossing and turning in bed. My backpain killers have worn off so I can feel the throbbing. Within the tossing and turning the thoughts have started. What will today be like? What was yesterday? Why the hell can’t I just snooze for another hour and get up at reasonable time.

There was an accident this morning too, and as most parents would know the bed strip and looking for blankets and knowing that you have all the linen to wash and a mattress to scrub can also put a frustrating spin on the day. Master 6 was hiding under his bed with his pee blankets and apologising over and over. There isn’t much I can do except tell him it was an accident and it is only the second one he has had since we lost the nappy pants just before Christmas. I throw some dry blankets over him on the floor which is where he wanted to stay and I shooshed him to sleep hoping that he gets another hour to save us from the monster he will become tonight from lack of sleep this morning.

In the last two weeks, I have been having early mornings.  I have been doing stretches to warm up my back. Who knows if this is of huge benefit but hey it’s being done. The head chatter kicked in when I was starting to stir. If my sleeping tablets could get me through that last hour I would be set. I even stay up until nine obviously I’m either on Netflix or surfing everywhere on the internet. I should be credited that I do read a lot of blogs and search random thoughts in this time. I will then take my sleeping tablet; I do put my phone away and pull the covers up and cover my face with my second pillow (this is not to suffocate myself, this has been a ‘security blanket’  ie protection for as long as I can remember) and close my eyes and wait for the fade to slow me down and then I am off to sleep.  If DR had not provided the tablets (Zopiclone) I would be still be suffering through my nightmares and this is just as bad as no sleep at all.

Today I have taken the day off work for me. Mental Health Day, I am personally calling it a Vee Day and I am sure this is just the coolest thing I have thought up.  I didn’t think today would start so early and I had definitely not expected to be doing a sheet wash today.  Life. *insert sarcastic fist bump and eye roll here.  This is how the day has started and I will roll with it. I wasn’t planning on writing today either but when I feel the need I do so. It is also the quietest in these wee hours which is fabulous writing conditions.

I need a day to process. It is hard to make sense of what my head is doing and taking some time in the quiet should help me find what is triggering my thoughts.  I have picked a few triggers and most of them are consistent when I have a visit to the family. This isn’t fair on them and is not anything that they do. It is me and my head. I have panic attacks in the lead up to these visits and it is mostly because of the high expectations I put on myself at not saying the wrong thing and second guessing myself and my worth. I worry that I will be pulled up for my parenting and if the kids misbehave. The last thing I want is to break up what I have with my siblings and my mum.  They have been constant in their love, support and unmeasurable understanding and if I were to fuck it up because I am wrong/dumb/broken/stupid or make a mistake terrifies me.

One of the biggest trigger is my issues I have with my father whom I have not spoken to in over a year. I did see him at my cousins wedding but I was not there to see him I was there for my cousin.  What has really exasperated this in the last few weeks is both my sisters were asked if we would do a family photo on our visit so we could be photoshopped in to a group family photo they are taking at a birthday party.  I am deeply offended and there are a few reasons for this.

1 They should not have put my sisters in this position. They have many ways they could reach us to ask. Phone, email, text message or they could have called MC to save getting me upset.  But putting this on my sisters to ask me is not fair for either of them, both my sisters knew that it would upset me. The conversations started with “I don’t want to upset you but I was asked to ask” and “I knew this would be hard and I didn’t want to say anything because I already knew the answer, but then where would I stand if I didn’t tell you and then you found out that I hadn’t”  I don’t want them to ever think that talking to me is going to hurt me. They never keep things from me we are always talking and it is respite for me when we do.  I don’t want our communication to be broken because they fear what they say could be my tipping point. This should not be on them. Full Stop.

2   Who asks someone to pretend “happy families” for a photo? Really? What makes this ok?  Who is this photo for? I just don’t understand?

3   And not only that then put restrictions on us to dress in white to make the photoshop work. Photoshop? Cheers to technology but if you can’t ask yourself; Erh just why?

I don’t feel I am being unreasonable in my offence. Yet again I have this in my head added to the loop, now I have another set of thoughts to work on.

(I wrote about this in my last post) This may not actually be classed as a trigger but my decent into the crippling low and now having to add in a mood stabiliser has put me into a panic. Another medication added to the mix, giving something else a go. Fighting the TRD diagnosis. There has been improvement noticed by MC. He said that my reactions to fighting children and teenager back chat has changed and the edge I was constantly sitting on has begun to widen.  I have noticed some laughing and it is in this laughter I have thought to myself this is good. This is what the kids need to see and hear. This is what I want and what I keep working for.

In the very early morning I was thinking that it could be a side effect of the mood stabilisers that is giving me the early wake up but I won’t know until I see the DR.  Google hasn’t helped me with answers and I guess everybody has different reactions to the medication. This could be mine.

Hopefully today is relatively cruisy for me. There might even be a chance for a snooze before the kids get home from school.

I will look forward to sleeping past 4am tomorrow. Well my fingers are crossed.


About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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