Anxious Confidence

Some people are born with confidence. They come out of the womb with it. Some people grow into confidence like the new pair of shoes that you got at the beginning of the year for school, you know the ones that mum said you were going to grow into. Some people use substances to create a false confidence and some use the company of their best friend or the presence of an enemy to bring out the confident beast within.

I suffer from anxiety which can be exacerbated with the substance induced confidence and with the false confidence I create to make it through the work day and in social situations where I am sweating hours before they start.

This is a contradiction which I find frustrating. Hey, you have confidence how can you have anxiety? I just do.  As I have grown I have had both my confidence, and anxiety change. It is not that one is tipping the scales more than the other it is that they are both growing together. Add to this my need to be organised and I am a total mess, which again is another contradiction.

I spend time writing lists to help me stay in control and this is also to slow down the anxiety because being organised is a method I use to keep me feeling safe. Being organised also offer benefits to my confidence. *Now we are talking in circles. When I feel like I have the impending situations listed and in a manageable order I can navigate through the anxiety and show off the confidence that I have been storing.

I have an example of this;

Being prepared and over prepared for Master 6’s Birthday.

There are very important things for a 7th Birthday that must happen. These are for his happiness and his memories. Having this preparedness should help with my anxiety and let the confidence come through. *Circles again.

There is the all-important Cake, top of the list. Then it filters through to party foods and lollies. Drinks to cover every child’s preference because although fizzy drinks and lots of sugar is expected at any kid’s party, this is the first thing that crosses a child’s mind when the invitation arrives. Having these sugary treats also creates the anxiety that I will be judged by the other parents for not providing the ‘Healthy’ options like water and fruit. Now as a parent I have scanned the parties the kids have gone to because the party food spread often says what kind of parent they are. I have placed the seed within me that because ashamedly I have judged others this in turn will be happening to me. There needs to be decorations, plates, serviettes this also means I will need wipes which being a parent or not are always good to have on hand. I must not forget that there is something for the parents who wish to stay to munch on. What should I have on offer for those parents? Do I do a batch of gourmet sandwiches or would the trusty old dip and crackers do? Shit now if I am going to do something for those parents what are they going to drink? Is it too early in the day to be offering schnapps? I am feeling a need for something at least 80 Proof or above at this point.

I know it is very hard to resist fairy bread at any age: the soft bread, tonnes of butter and the sprinkles. But should I make sure that there is a healthy option of fairy bread on wholemeal bread with naturally coloured sprinkles? [ sorry sis not an intended dig at you just a new concern for me and whether it is now a necessary need and as you know dirty bread will always be in our vocabulary] I haven’t even gotten to the games part yet.

So this list is in progress. I have already rewritten it 3 times since I began planning. The worst thing is I have plenty of time to get it done, and organised, and processed. It will come together and be an awesome kids party, this is now the over confident Vee taking over *another circle with no choice. I will even remember the knife to cut the cake and the lighter to light the candles although it is likely I may forget to buy the candle. Which I have now added to the list for the 5th rewritten time. I have this party thing down pat as I have been throwing kids parties for the past 15 years. Think of the amount of rewritten lists there have been in this time.

I am anti-social; another tough one to believe I know. But if I must be out of this little bubble I live in I have to flick the switch and turn on the confidence, turn on the charm. With a children’s party you’re either being entrusted with someone else’s child for a few hours or you must converse with a stranger who is watching your every move with that “non-judgemental” eye, the “non-judgemental” eye I have used. Being in the sales industry I can pretend or sell the product I am endorsing an unfortunately at this party the product will be me. A wonderful parent and a good person. These are the necessary parts I need to show. This is the confident projection I will have to be *Circle; circle; circle.

Whilst at the party I will be making small talk with the parents at the same time as topping up the lolly bowl and cutting more watermelon (ticking both boxes here) if you were to go inside my brain you would see I am distressed. I am thinking of every possible scenario regarding the worst things that could happen at the party. Broken Arm, allergic reaction to watermelon, bull ant attack and possibly nuclear war.  I am in an anxious meltdown and it is silent and quiet and not visible to anyone. I can hear it, feel it, but it is in my head. *Can you see the circle pattern happening

Master 6 won’t know what is happening as he will be eating all the party food and playing with the friends that turned up. MC will be doing the dad thing and eating the party food (which reminds me to add this to the list – pack more food!) His sisters will be instructing what games to play which really means that they will be bossing everyone around and having the family infighting that is unavoidable.  This is all the first thoughts I have had, and this will become the new cycle of thoughts for the next week until it’s over and I have the new thing to start on.









About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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