Ridiculously, I wrote about the birthday and the blues and all the feelings associated with it in a previous post,
It’s hard to believe that it has passed yet again, but my birthday blues has begun and with it I write.
- I am Drunk. One beautiful bottle of red merlot down and I’m loving the warm feeling around my mouth. The slow signs bellow up towards my numb finger tips, and the warmth that I feel all over is ever so satisfying. There sadly is no other way that I can label how I feel in this moment. (Seriously the typos thatv I am doning aere astonin=shing) The drunkenness Is unbearable as I am the only person up in the home that is currently awake and semi functioning.
I have been Netfl!XX and chilling, watching a show about killers on death row. Sad thing is I can see myself in these people. * I do not and wish not to kill anyone that I know or have any affiliation with.
Some have drug induced psychosis and others do it because they can. This is NOT Me. Quote this if necessary at trial in future.
Over the last couple of months, I have been dealt a couple of huge Blows and to someone that is suffering this is not how you wish to see the future.
# 1 Dr has joined a new surgery… without notification
#2 Dr does not have the decency to advise this and re schedule new appointment. (to which I would pay real $$ for)
#3 The Nurse Practitioner that has helped you through the times in between appointments with DR no longer sees a future with you without other medical imput. I am too HIGN RISK. To hard to deal with.
#4 GP is declaring that no medical history with Physiatrist is on record. Thus, throwing my life in to chaos.
Options are;
Drink or Drug myself stupid.
One thing…
Drink excessively every day to cope.
Laugh whilst doing what I can to physically harm myself with out physically harming my kids. IE, starving myself. Drinking myself stupid. Eating excessively…. To be honest I haven’t fully committed to any kind of sabotage just yet. I guess I am waiting to see what the birthday blues have to offer.
Can I be honest with those around me? This has always been a struggle for me and as I believe there are many within my very LARGE circle that can not handle some one with anything mental illness related. Yet here I stand.
My birthday has had issue with me. My memories I have are sponge cake with jam and cream…. YUM… Still a favourite. I remember receiving a tape/CD player 10-11 years old and my dad had copied the CDS off a hip uncle to make me mixed tapes for my stereo. My dad hand wrote the tape cover and the song list (something I will never forget). One year my grandparents turned up on the day of my family dinner/birthday cake and surprised me of their return home. *There is photo proof of this occasion held in dad’s photo archives. In these photos I am beside myself with love and emotion because the one constant I had in my life had made the effort to be present. ** I am balling my eyes out whilst writing.
I have a beautiful family now that go above and beyond to make sure that I feel special and loved. A family that I physically created. One that I get notes on the mirror and lead pencil cards from. One that without I would not survive. This family is the one that keeps me alive.
There have been many birthdays great and mediocre, heartbroken and full of endless love…. Tomorrow I will be 35 years old and to date I have not killed one single person. Let it be known regardless of the depths of my despair Netfl!XX will never have me feature in a Killers TV Show where I am the star.
