Hamster Wheel

Running the hamster wheel at present. Life has become very predictable and this is not enjoyable. I struggle with anxiety. One would think that having everything consistent would make me and my affliction very happy. But what happens is I never get out of this and thus continue to run in circles. Same old, same […]

Blues… of the birthday

Ridiculously, I wrote about the birthday and the blues and all the feelings associated with it in a previous post,   It’s hard to believe that it has passed yet again, but my birthday blues has begun and with it I write.   I am Drunk. One beautiful bottle of red merlot down and I’m […]

There was this day

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING I am all over the shop. Understandably trying to come off medication is a hard task. A task I took on willingly, but I task I cannot complete. I had a terrible time this week sadly there was a day where I was the closest I have been in a long time […]

Break UP, It’s you.

He has left me. Not leaving me but has left. Obviously, I am a patient and he would have many but when you have finally found the right DR it can be devastating when they break up with you. This is a painful break up and it’s not me. It’s you. You broke up with […]



Honestly; I fear myself. At present my unpredictability and volatile personality make me worried that I’m totally losing the plot. Being up in the air again with my diagnosis I don’t have ways to explain why I am reacting the way I do. I have read that when people have ways to pin point triggers […]

WTF is wrong with me?

BROKEN MOLD We; ie medical professionals can not find a diagnosis to assist me with treatment. Obviously I know that no one person has the exact same, tick the box, characteristics for each disorder, but really being able to lock something in would help the explanation to family, help make the right decisions with medication […]

Wanted Words

Three weeks ago, I saw my psychiatrist. A man that I respect because he seems relatively genuine on my progress and listens to all my reasonable and unreasonable thoughts and most of all he writes my scripts. So, it was in this hour and a half session that he surprised me. Not with flowers or […]

Fight Demons

Fight Demons

Trying to understand how I function has been a long hard process. Being so deeply hurt and betrayed in many different yet pivotal moments in my life has created a life distorted by illness that I have to fight every day. What is my human impulse of fight or fight? I want to do both […]

Seriously Treatment Resistant Depression

I have been struggling with feeling that regardless of how much I want to feel better, how pro-active I am. I am resistant.   Yes resistant is a new word in my bipolar vocabulary and one that I haven’t really considered. Broken, bent, crazy, frustrated, beaten, angry, dark, sick, disappointed, hurt, confused, stressed, lethargic, weird, devious, […]


SO for a long while now I have been dealing with some people that like to pretend that they are kind, caring, honest, and loving, an all-round ‘genuine’ person. LOL that is what they like to portray. Quite hilariously these people have truly proven they can bullshit with the best of them and often prove […]