Hamster Wheel

Running the hamster wheel at present. Life has become very predictable and this is not enjoyable. I struggle with anxiety. One would think that having everything consistent would make me and my affliction very happy. But what happens is I never get out of this and thus continue to run in circles. Same old, same […]

Break UP, It’s you.

He has left me. Not leaving me but has left. Obviously, I am a patient and he would have many but when you have finally found the right DR it can be devastating when they break up with you. This is a painful break up and it’s not me. It’s you. You broke up with […]



The understanding that I have changed is not true. I am removing all the layers of pharmaceuticals The products that have shadowed me for 20 years. So it’s not that I am changing,  it’s that I am removing what has been hanging over me. What you will be seeing now is someone I don’t know. […]



Honestly; I fear myself. At present my unpredictability and volatile personality make me worried that I’m totally losing the plot. Being up in the air again with my diagnosis I don’t have ways to explain why I am reacting the way I do. I have read that when people have ways to pin point triggers […]

Not Safe 08/02/2018

*SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING I have said “I am not safe” This is me asking for help.  This is me on the brink of a place I do not want to go. When I say that “I am not safe” I am making MC aware that the thoughts in my head are ones that suggest that […]

Fight Demons

Fight Demons

Trying to understand how I function has been a long hard process. Being so deeply hurt and betrayed in many different yet pivotal moments in my life has created a life distorted by illness that I have to fight every day. What is my human impulse of fight or fight? I want to do both […]

So it has begun

So I guess it is time for an update on my progress since starting a new medication. Some information to help with understanding my new medication: Treating certain types of seizures. It may be used alone or with other medicines. It may also be used to delay the occurrence of mood problems in certain patients […]

Seriously Treatment Resistant Depression

I have been struggling with feeling that regardless of how much I want to feel better, how pro-active I am. I am resistant.   Yes resistant is a new word in my bipolar vocabulary and one that I haven’t really considered. Broken, bent, crazy, frustrated, beaten, angry, dark, sick, disappointed, hurt, confused, stressed, lethargic, weird, devious, […]

My Writing Shoes

I have needed some time to think since my last blog post, soposedly most of my posts aren’t going down very well with some of my disengaged family members. It seems that there are people are reading my blog but I would call it selective reading. There is discussion about my blog which regardless of […]

Bipolar Christmas Lost

There is one time in the year that my bipolar self dreads. Christmas. Growing up Christmas was always a huge family gathering, tonnes of food, beautiful roast pork with salty crackle and grandma’s famous trifle. There was drinking and the more drink that was drunk the more in depth the conversations became.  We all loved […]