Countdown In Full Swing

Today was ECT 5! I am on the countdown to my last ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy). I was transported by trolley to the theater and I didn’t have my canula in which is where they administer the anesthetic. I was in a fully fledged panic attack as they were putting the two electrodes on my scalp as I was waiting to be anesthetized.  It is my worst nightmare that I feel the current through my brain, just imagining what it would feel like makes me feel physically ill.

The recovery nurses have mentioned the last 2, I have come too very restless and frustrated, thrashing about shaking and panicked.  This is not typically the best way to begin the recovery process after any sort of surgery.  After half an hour in the recovery, tossing and turning, setting off all the machines whilst one nurse teaches another. I get transported by a super happy orderly to the waiting room opposite the day surgery clinic.  The 3 nurses that we get to deal with here have genuine concern and care for myself and the other patients

These days are especially taxing on the whole family. They start with everybody up early and everyone ready to continue the day after I get dropped at the hospital after the 30 min drive. MC delivers’ me to the hospital at 7:15am and then drives the kids back to the Bay for school.  Once he gets the girls back to school he turns the car around and comes back to get me.

With this ECT it has definitely put a rather large spanner in the works.  I have to struggle at home with what I have agreed to and what not.  My Eldest is rather quick on using my memory loss to her advantage. But what kid wouldn’t I am lucky MC has my back and can see right through her smart ass. Most of the time I am really switched on when it comes to the kids taking me for a ride but with me second guessing everything because I don’t know whether it actually happened or it is an old memory.

Not only do we have to travel 30 min to the next town for me to have ECT which means we are living far beyond our means as it is keeping the fuel tank full in the car and food in the house and us being able to keep the kids arriving at school at the right time.

The biggest struggle for me is that I am interfering with the children and making life far too hard for them. NO, parent wants to be the cause of struggle for their children, the way the balance works is that if my life didn’t have MC in it our little family would not exists. MC has always been my other half. We need each other to survive.

I feel exhausted and desperate; I probably shouldn’t have put so much pressure on myself, I keep referring to how quickly I responded to the ECT before.  My case worker advised me this week that I have to add 2 ECT on top of my therapeutic level.  I feel like I am nearly there, I don’t want to put myself through 2-3 more.  I have to take MC’s advice as he can see where I am at, how far I have come and how much more is needed. And no matter how much I think it’s all my decision on how many more will be needed to take me to the final round I will only go ahead or cease with MC holding my hand and walking to the finish line together.


About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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