Hamster Wheel

Running the hamster wheel at present. Life has become very predictable and this is not enjoyable.

I struggle with anxiety. One would think that having everything consistent would make me and my affliction very happy. But what happens is I never get out of this and thus continue to run in circles. Same old, same old.

When I jump off the wheel and try something different the anxiety is tremendous but if I don’t do it I wont be able to change. When I jump off it’s a big leap into the unknown not the baby steps needed to conquer the condition. I’m thinking I just must run with it.

I’m still without a Dr and psychologist. So, I’m running on my own, which is some scary shit. Just keep taking meds with the hopes that I don’t falter. I have been thinking a mood stabliser should possibly be introduced back into my diet but what would I know?

I am emotionally all over the place at home, I have teenagers that don’t like each other. Don’t want to try and like each other. My tolerance level for their tit for tat is so low that I am storming from all confrontation and not being able to be in the same room as anyone. Our house is so crowded with stuff that the walls cave in on me and my respite is going to work. My support person at home, MC has been out of commission for 5 weeks now. Bad back. 3 weeks on the floor. Every time he thinks he’s on the mend he does something which is too much and then is on the floor again. I currently don’t have his help emotionally or physically and I can’t look after myself very well and without his help the family dynamic doesn’t work.

Currently I am stuck in a small box, full of shit with a bunch of baby hamsters that want to eat each other with only one wheel. Although I am hating on my life as it continues to be unimpressive monotonous, I have been jumping off the wheel and into the anxiety abyss all on my own. Would you call this a #winning moment? Or just a #wft are you doing one?

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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