How can it be this difficult?

All I really wanted was for my ECT to go well. Unlucky for my family we have had to start whilst the girls were on school holidays so whilst I’m in Day Surgery, MC is entertaining the Girls on Mondays and all three children on Thursdays. The is no other way around it as we don’t have any family that we can rely on that live close enough.

This made for a frustrating Monday for us all this week. Not only did we have an exceptionally early start as we decided to drop the boy to Kindergarten to save the extra drive back and forth as fuel is expensive,  but this Monday was not going to plan from the get go. When I had woken all I could feel was my body aching, every bone is throbbing and I have a brain splitting headache when normally I don’t get any sort of headaches.  But we must soldier ahead anyway.  I have a plan and we need to stick to it. If I want to be well for Christmas in July we have to stick to the plans. We need to hit the therapeutic level otherwise this is just a huge waste of everybody’s time. It will become a huge waste of my time.

Today’s ECT was an epic fail, but I will finally be able to share what happens prior to ECT as in all my previous ECT’s I have forgotten what happens in and around the procedure every time I have had ECT I have had and only ever have glimpses or brain farts of what has happened. It is a blessing you forget otherwise you would never go through it again.

So ECT 3 has opened the door to what happens when everything does not go to plan. I am still unsure if when I do have #3, what will I remember,   but this is the opportunity to remember and share what happens.

I am on the trolley; add the blanket with the heat packs in it to keep me warm. I have sticky dots on my chest for the heart monitors; I have a cuff for the blood pressures and I have to share my name, age, and bracelet.  There are 3 lots of nurses who ask questions: Name, DOB, What are you having? I get a cannula put in and they always say “just a scratch,” but I they will tell you just a scratch my ass” This is the first time I will remember having it inserted OWWW , and having it removed.

We head to the theatre room in there is the anethatisit and the three nurses, two Doctors from mental health and two orderly’s, Normally the wait is very fast they hold the electrodes on my temple and the back of my head and then I am asked me to count backwards and I swear I’m asleep by 7, so now I must wait……..

And wait and wait and wait…….I know I am supposed to be asleep by now,  the Anaesthetist can see that I am starting to panic as I can see the doctor’s arms flailing around and I am only somewhat  privy to  their conversation. I’m given a muscle relaxant to help with my panic attack and it feels amazing.

Ahhh It feels like I have been waiting for forever, I have been lying on this bed for fifteen minutes I’m having a full on freak out as there is all these hushed tones and quiet conversation. I am all ears and trying to catch every word here and decipher their grand hand gestures.  The two doctors and two of the three nurses are all fiddling with the cables of the EC T machine. I am panicking enough for the Anaesthetist to inject another hit of the muscle relaxant but all I am thinking is “I don’t want to be the guinea pig with the faulty cable”.  I just magically realise there is a woman in the room who was definitely not in the room before she is on a hand held phone she sounds like she is talking with a help line. They are running tests on the cables and machine.  Her phone call finishes and she advises the whole theatre that the machines fibre optic cable is broken and a new cable is needed to go ahead with ECT.  I am so relieved that I am not going to be the guinea pig today.

The Doctors after a quick discussion they decide that I can just drop everything for ECT and come in when they get the new cable I wish my life was that easy but MC and I are running this house hold on our own and I am happy to wait until Thursday and save us doing the extra trip if there is no promises that the cable will be there.

I get to wait till Thursday and head in for number three.

*I just got a call from the hospital there will not be a cord until next Thursday. This puts a huge spanner in the works  and makes me a little sad as I had high hopes that at #4 we were going to be close to the end  we will have hit a therapeutic  level  and I am happy and the kind of happy that has been gone for years and years.

Sincerely Veronica,
A work in progress!


About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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