I have been feeling lost, frustrated, angry, tired and these are all common words often used as a quick way to explain the pain we feel and the easy way to end the question, how are you? I hate the question and to be honest people hate asking me because I have learnt now the fastest way to know if you are friend or foe is to be honest that I am Bipolar sometimes up sometimes down.
In my life I was blessed with tonnes of bullshit and it started at a very young age when I lost my older brother.
I am working on myself every day ok some days I don’t get out of bed. But I have put my brain through the rigors of ECT in 3 different batches. I’m better but I can’t look at myself in the mirror because the woman I see isn’t the me I want to be.
I spend so much of my time scrambling, crawling trying to find the way out of my bipolar maze. I still don’t understand how I have become so lost. When I was a teenager I got hurt more than once, I ended up out in the big, wide world on my own too young. Trying to navigate without support, without love, without security, I had begun my journey without anyone to guide me, encourage me or show me the right path.
Being frustrated and not having an outlet every-so-often I have a tantrum. I throw things, kick the walls, scream, yell, threaten self harm, threaten to run away and all this as my way of working through my frustrations. As I try to learn more about what my frustrations mean I have been advised by family that I can be the hardest to judge and can be a live wire, unpredictable. Bahhhh do me a favour read a description of bipolar disorder. No wonder I’m frustrated.
I’m angry. ANGRY, I’m angry on so many levels with so many different levels with my bipolar. I have an anger that is so deep down from trying to garner approval from my parents as a child. I have a frantic anger at the asshole that held a shotgun at my temple. There were a few men that used my immaturity to benefit themselves. I’m angry that I’m in a small country town, with a Mental Health system that is archaic.
I find now that I need a nap most days I struggle to find the energy to get up until lunch time. I find small things make me tired. When I wake up if the house is buzzing and my kids are happy, I will stay in bed until they have left for school, more than anyone my kids deserve a happiness I am still trying to find. I know that if they continue to see me tired on top of my extra bipolar burdens and they will be conditioned to the same atmosphere I am in.
It all comes down to me trying to find me, working on the feelings kept deep down and bringing them to the surface so I disconnect the umbilical cords keeping them attached to me and hope that I am close to finding the psychologist I need.