Insomnia.  My beloved insomnia.  Nights of restless sleep, the beat of my heart pounding in its cavity pulsing through my ears. The beat plays chase with my lungs as they heave in a robotic way, pacing my heart on a loop that draws me deep to sleep but keeps me insanely awake.

For many years I have been unable to sleep without medication. I will pretty much take any drug to get myself to sleep.  Add to that half a bottle or more and all to ensure sedated sleep.  There you have it, my evening ritual to help me endure a sleepless night.  But there is also heavy dread because as the sleep sets in and the nightmare begins, I risk not waking up from that dream.

I never like to think of the evening ahead.  I wake up from the sleep in a state; the cottonmouth, the bursting bladder because if I dare to get out of bed to pee there goes any chance of sleep.  My body has ached all night long.  Every turn on the bed at night is simply just another reminder that I was not asleep.  Why was I constantly thinking of the number 12 and what the hell does it mean to me now?  This number will haunt me all day; it’s on the clock on the microwave, every time I pick up my phone, BAM the number 12.  It hasn’t even passed my brain that it was the number 4 yesterday.

I could nap at any time today, oh my body is aching and all I want to do is sleep. There isn’t much for me to do today, my favourite shows on television; Dr Phil, Judge Judy and the Bold and the Beautiful. I will spend most of the day exhausted in pain and on the couch.  My kids are at school so I have a beautifully quiet house.  It’s time for Dr Phil I look at the clock and it 12:12 seriously losing patience with this number that is haunting me today. I will watch what’s left of the infamous Dr and nibble food throughout the afternoon.

I want to nap before the kids get home but that pesky number 12 is in my head. Often my wish for midday nap will be hampered by sick children, or Doctor appointments, which I have every other week, or Judge Judy is on a rampage and it is well worth watching.

When my kids get home they go straight to the fridge and then ask what’s for dinner I check my watch 4:12, there’s that dam number again. It is time to attempt mummy mode even though my eyes are bugging out of my head. Oh my, the noise these three children make and add to the noise the disastrous mess they can create which looks like the aftermath of a nuclear bomb, all in under an hour.

Feeding the family is getting much easier now that they are getting older.  There will always be one that despises what I have created but I can now negotiate eating dinner gets desert.

8:12pm it’s the best time in the evening bedtime.  Time to argue with the kids for 10 minutes, give kisses, lots of kisses.  It’s frustrating because I know what is to come tonight. These three beautiful beings will have beautiful sleep and I am headed towards another night of agony in the dark.

.Sincerely Veronica
A work in progress!

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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