I have just lost myself in the shortest period.
When I say to you that in a moment every emotion I have can happen all at once. It is an unbelievable concept to some yet there are others that can nod their head with an understanding of what I mean.
It will stop me dead in my tracks. Break me to the point that within seconds I have had a breakdown and it feels like hope for me and my life is gone.
It bothers me so much that I don’t have control of this. I have been trying for more than 20 years to work through the demons and break through my cycles. I have endured medical procedures in my brain to try and combat this pain inside. I am at the point where even doctors have given up, with a diagnosis (TRD; Treatment Resistant Depression among the rest) and that in itself, makes me feel like wasted space on this earth. We are on my last line of medication that could be used to assist me, and I am still struggling to survive. It has been suggested that clinical trials may be the next way to go. (I am likely the one to be the control subject an unwittingly be having the placebo)
In this moment right now, I want to run. Run so far away and start over as someone different. Change countries, change my name, live a different life. I have said in the last 2 weeks on at least 3 occasions I should do this. Just vanish.
In this moment I got angry at all the people that had done wrong by me. That had chosen to put their footprint on me where I can’t reach and remove it. I am so frightened that I will fall off the edge and not regret it or not have the opportunity to .
In this moment I have balled my eyes out. Thinking of the hurt I put the kids through. Knowing that they must decipher how I am going to respond to a question or whether I am going to hole myself up in the dark for the day and be just as invisible as a dead person.
In this moment I remember the births of my children and the boom of unconditional love that engulfed me. I see their proud faces when they have something important to show me. The little smiles in their eyes when they are watching a favourite movie or dancing around the room. Their laugh at when they have made their own joke and think it is hilarious.
In this moment I can see the times that MC has made me smile. The times he has done everything he can possibly do to take the hurt away, keep me safe. This moment has me thinking of all the times I have been angry at him for just being a male ass. I can see the family that have tried with me and the family that hasn’t. The ones that will always be there for MC and the kids if I did leave. I see the love around me.
In this moment I feel a mixture of emotions. It’s hard to understand but often the moment comes for no reason and there has been no trigger not a single thing has brought forward the thoughts. Regardless the thought has given me this tail spin and I have lost my bearings.
I can look back; as hindsight can often assist with finding the stressor that causes the anxiety which in turn creates the moment that could possibly one day end my life. But with no control on when these moments can happen it is hard to be what I need/want to be.
It can be hard to determine what I have really wanted to say with this one or if I just keep saying the same thing over and over and over but when the urge to write comes it comes.
I have been writing 3 different posts and loose interest and then bam I have a meltdown and I have 700 words to share.