I have needed some time to think since my last blog post, soposedly most of my posts aren’t going down very well with some of my disengaged family members. It seems that there are people are reading my blog but I would call it selective reading.
There is discussion about my blog which regardless of it being positive or negative it is the exact reaction any writer could want. I have engaged a reader and evoked some sort of emotion. Job Done.
I was recently told that as I haven’t walked in someone’s shoes, I can’t possibly know what life is like for them, and I dare say that the same goes for me except I change my shoes often and sometimes wear mismatched shoes.
I write my blog for me, the words are all mine, the stories I share are mine, the feelings I have felt are mine and I am yet to have a conversation about a post I have written where someone sees the event differently to me and feels any need for me to amend a post or add a notice of a difference of opinion.
I write my blog in the hopes that like when I am reading someone’s experience it helps make me feel less alone, less crazy and will often help me to reconcile some of the insane amount of emotions and sentiments I deal with daily.
I am terribly far from where I want to be, days where it takes absolutely nothing to make me cry and the downwards spiral into painful sadness that can stay with me for days. Being bipolar 2 with rapid cycle’s means the layout for a day can be upset multiple times. My rapid “mood swings” can last hours, day’s, weeks and sometimes even months. There can be cycles which go hand in hand with the seasons but my cycles are more in line with daily and weekly traumas.
My frequent relief of my cycling is to sleep and to write. Having all the kids in school means that I can hide away during the day and hope that by the end of the school day, I am able to function enough that the kids get the best of me in the evenings. I am lucky that MC is always on hand to pick up my slack and keep the home happy. If it wasn’t for his constant love and attention to the way I cycle our lives could be very different. Over the years with all the manic mess and depressed destiny he could have run many times over and when I have pushed, he has held on. It was only recently that I realised how much I depend on him to function and how hard it would be without him. He has been my anchor for the last 16 years and sees the good in me and can control the mad me.
I write my blog with real genuine feelings. My words are my honesty, I write knowing that these are my words and my truth. I am not ashamed of what I have written and I know that even if some people can’t believe what I have shared to be true, the people who have been there by my side through each of the life events in my life know that I am a good person, I am working on myself every day, I have had unspeakable tragedies that I am still trying to overcome, I struggle with living in a small town with limited mental health assistance. I am a work in progress and I am always hoping that soon I will be in a stable condition which will benefit my family and those friends who have had my back through all the Ups and Downs.
I am going to continue to write about my past about all the persons and events that have shaped the life I have. I am going to continue to be honest and unafraid that what I am writing as they are my truths, I will continue to challenge other people’s perceptions of the life I lived. I will write about the medications I take, the therapies I have had, the manic mayhem I can get up to, the suicidal thoughts I have, the aching hole in my heart where my father keeps the wound open, the struggle I have with my mother and what she didn’t do when I really needed her, my struggle as a bipolar mother of a teenager, my strengths as a leader, my shoulder for others to grieve on.
I will continue to write about my life as I see it.
That’s right MY life as I have lived it.
In my shoes.