“Quoted” Marilyn Monroe

I have identified with Marilyn Monroe for many years. Miss M as I call her.  I have tonnes of books with extracts of her own diaries and enjoy reading through them and feel a sense of affinity with her words.

It is claimed that Miss Monroe had Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. So obviously we are on the same set together and we are struggling with similar feelings and common triggers. I am going to address Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the similar words and quotes I feel most close to this beautiful icon the whole world adores.

Borderline is a mental disorder and people affected by BPD experience frequent distressed emotional states, they have a high level of difficulty relating to people other than themselves and self-harm is prevalent behaviour. The first signs of BPD will often show in your late teens or in early adulthood. Women are three times more likely to be diagnosed over men.  There will always be a combination of factors when being diagnosed but they will more likely be biological and life factors such as abuse, trauma and neglect thus contributing to the development disorder. BPD symptoms include deep feelings of insecurity, impulsiveness, confusion and contradictory feelings, rejection, abandonment, chronic feelings of emptiness and instability, stress related paranoid thoughts (Sigh).

It was only in October that I found out that my last Psychiatrist believed I was Borderline.  At first I was like “YEAH I’m Borderline!” how cool does that sound! Obviously I had no idea what it meant and how it was to sit on my mental resume.  For me it started with a ‘Google’ search. Actually most of my research for my meds or treatments comes from the World Wide Web.  It does make it difficult to differentiate the good information from the bad. At present I like to search …

www.blackdoginstitute.org.au and www.sane.org

… but I will mostly surf and check out other blogs which give me a broad range of information.  I’m happy that I know now.  It explains things in me and my past that the bipolar umbrella never covered. When I was searching BPD I liked to search what Celebrities have like what I have and I am rarely surprised. More often I have felt a feeling in my gut that this celeb has something I have. Celebs suggested to have Borderline; will we ever know for sure? Angelina Jolie, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love, Princess Diana and my favourite Marilyn Monroe.  And the only male celeb was Pete Doherty.

Marilyn struggled with many demons and those that actually knew her and were closest to her are the ones that would know and understand her struggles. What we are left with today are her words on paper we decide how her quotes affect us what they mean to us.

Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer? MM

Dear me, when I was working in retail and blessed with a great managers position I was taking charge of many staff under 20 years of age and with all the guidance I offered I was often saying what the hell. Being a mentor also meant me keeping my shit together, and with my moods up and down the staff were saying what the hell, because I would sometimes be explosive over small things and insecure when I was moving in leaps and bounds and making great gains for the company. When it came to the end for me I was in full blown bipolar depression and this helped to end that career. At the time there were a tonne of people throwing around ‘what the hell’ because work wise everything was perfect, good $$$, great perks, fantastic team. For them ‘what the hell’ was and still is the right answer for them.

The truth is I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t. When they found this out, they would blame me for disillusioning them and fooling them.  MM

This quote takes me back to high school. I struggled through school; I had divorced parents under circumstances beyond my control which hurt me deeply. I was, now that I know, struggling through BPD symptoms such as identify issues, being selfish, impatient and insecure. I was often promiscuous with boys and girls, I shaved my head on a whim. I was drinking and smoking, I rarely went to school, moved out of home twice and the moved back. The girls at school could be vicious and jealous. The boys thought me to be easy and the meal ticket.  I was a disaster, I really had no guidance and when I reached out to my parents my mum and I were at war with each other and my father often claimed everything was my fault.

I make mistakes. I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.MM

One of her more famous quotes;  I feel like she knows me with this one, there has been one constant in my life that has been with me at my worst, held my hand when I am scared, held me tight when the nightmares come, held me down when I have wanted to run.  My partner has sat in the hospital for hours waiting for me to come round after ECT with fingers crossed it helps. He has loved me at a size 8 and size 20. Loved me when I’m sad, so very sad, and laughed with me when I’m happy.  Best of all he helped me create three beautiful children and explains my irrationality to my teenage daughter who is so much like me.  He buffers me from all the screams and fights and general kid stuff. He doesn’t get many thankyous and I grumble and fuss but if I didn’t have him I would be dead without a doubt.

Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. MM

This is my favourite so much so that I got it tattooed on my wrist…. This quote touched my soul a long time ago. I have many struggles with our imperfect beauty. I do ridiculous things with my hair to distract from my weight. When I put effort and do my makeup I get compliments on my face but I have so many imperfections and being me makes it much easier to find all my faults.  I have always considered myself mad; mad as the mad hatter and I can definitely be ridiculous, just give me a small audience and Ta-Da entertainer Vee comes out.

We all feel something different when we read a quote, see a picture or have a conversation … these are my personal interpretations of Marilyn’s quotes and how they come across to me. I would be happy to hear your interpretation of these quotes and join the conversation because everybody has their own ideas on what she intended.

.Sincerely Veronica
A work in progress!

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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