School Holidays

I have the kids on school holidays.  This can be one of the hardest times of the year. Not only have I had to survive Christmas but I have three children arguing for my attention, fighting each other for first dibs on the treats in the fridge and no matter how enticing outside play is for them it only lasts 20 minutes and that is definitely not enough time to regroup my crazy ass thoughts.

Eldest is thirteen years old.  She believes she knows everything about everything and everyone. I am having a terribly hard time trying to communicate with her. Everything that I say she believes is an outright attack on her. Of course sometime I just want to scream at her because she is wrong but if I engage her I end up behaving just the same and MC ends up having to intervene and become the referee. One of us usually ends up in our room, how very teenage of us.  I understand this is just a “phase” but sometimes I am beside myself with grief that I am doing the exact same parenting that my parents did and I have been unable to change the pattern.

I wanted to be strong and confident. I wanted to be a brave and heroic. I was going to be an awesome mum, break every pattern of parenting I had grown up through. It seems when it comes to Eldest and I the great relationship I had envisioned will hopefully happen when she is no longer a teenager.

Middle child has just turned 10. She is always playing or singing or running around and making mess everywhere. She easily entertains herself. She has a very short attention span which means asking her to clean her room or feed the pets I have to ride her and point out each thing to be picked up. Then this seems like double the amount of work and I either end up leaving the place a mess or picking up myself. Being bipolar means I usually leave it a mess as I often have little drive and enthusiasm when it comes to cleaning up. If we lived in town it would be easier to let middle child play with friends and other kids but instead she is stuck at home all holidays. I know it can be boring but it is just the way it has to be.

Youngest is loud and busy and always antagonising his sisters. He

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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