What a week

What a week.  The week had been planned about a month ago.  Firstly my Youngest turns 5 this week. We are also getting a visit of some close friends which means dinners on a couple of the nights. Coffee catch up’s during the day time.  I am really looking forward to their visit. I am in dire need of some company other than the family.

I couldn’t believe that our once relatively healthy family was now waging war with the dreaded flu. We can normally fight it off and maybe just get a sniffle but this one hit hard and didn’t discriminate.

MC and the Eldest got hit first, runny noses and chesty coughs, and slight temperature. At this point they are still mobile.

Our friends have arrived so we decide to catch up for pizza. When we arrive the kids go bonkers screaming, running around in circles. We have a good time, the pizza was yummo.  It was great to chat to someone other than MC. I got to spend a couple of hours agreeing and disagreeing with a fellow mum. I got to explain how hard the kids can be to deal with. That more often than not I just want to run away. Get up and leave. I love them but I can’t focus when they are bickering and doing it loud. I got to feel normal for a few hours. The evening ended well the kids were exhausted. I was exhausted but happy.

MC and the Eldest aren’t getting up as I had hoped this morning. They were coughing more, snotting much more and very grumpy.  I haven’t really been driving since my ECT but I had to get Middle and Youngest to school and kindy. This meant that on the drive home I was alone in the car so I had old demons to fight as I drove the most common way home was trying my hardest to focus on getting home safely and not on the trigger trees that have been a huge part of my suicidal thoughts in the past. I made it home safely but I entered a dark dingy home with MC and Eldest being sick. So sick that they were banished to the doctors to see if there was something else we could do to get them back to normal fast. Dr gave them scripts and the normal run down on eat well, drink lots of water, etc, etc. I found myself sounding like my mum when I suggested Eldest inhale Vicks in hot water with a towel over her head. It actually worked. She had shifted a fair amount of snot, Honey and lemon tea, Chicken noodle soup, Fresh fruit.  This meant we could meet with our friends to the local RSL for dinner, it has a kid’s play room, which the loved and they get to eat free too.  By the end MC and Eldest had done well to sit through 2 hours and to be social. When we hit home we all went to bed.

The next 3 days were spent with me organizing my Youngest’s Birthday Party for the weekend, I had tonnes to do and with these sicko’s sharing their flu all over the house meant my Bipolar frustrations started to kick in. I was feeling neglected, the lack of intimacy with MC put my dark desperate thoughts against each other.  I was angry that he was sick and not helping me with our kid or helping with the driving. He didn’t offer to help with the baking of cup cakes or crackles, help with the loot bags. How dare I do it all alone with no help? I was going into a fully fledged meltdown but as most of them happen silently all alone in my head.  I managed to get everything done I was on top of the washing and all that needed to be done for the party was ready. Everything was ready except me. I was still silently angry but there was nothing I could do I just had to give a wonderful party for my Youngest.

Everything this week was geared towards an epic party! I always throw a good party and usually have everything covered. Food for kids, food for adults and all the necessary party treats like cup cakes, crackles, lollies, chippies, soft drinks, Birthday Cake.  The park area we had snagged was decorated with banners, streamers, balloons, matching tablecloths, serviettes and plates. It looked amazing and Youngest was impressed.

Our friends came to the party and everyone had fun. I had my party face on, I was genuinely exhausted but I enjoyed chatting with them and the kids went and played so well in the park.  As per the usual there was ample amount of everything left over which all came home again. We had to say goodbye to our friends as they had to head home.  It is always sad to see them go as they always remind me of home; they take me back to when life was easier, a lot less stressful.

Finally we are home again the fridge is stuffed full of leftover party rubbish. To add to the exhaustion all the kids are coughing, coughing with every breath. I only have a tickle in my throat so I feel I have fared pretty well. My Bipolar mind feels isolated. I’m still angry that MC is sick and still not talking to me, avoiding eye contact. He isn’t giving me the love and warmth I have been denied all week.  I am not totally selfish I know MC is not feeling well, I am trying to care for him and the children, put aside my insane brain and do some proper mothering, sweep the bipolar under the covers.

Today I realized just how unfair and selfish my bipolar can be.  MC was sitting on the 3 seater couch. The kids were running amok elsewhere in the house. I jumped up, grabbing this opportunity while I had the chance; I sat down next to MC and lay down on him in sort of a sideways cuddle. MC put his arms around me and squeezed me, I didn’t have to say anything, didn’t have to ask. He just cuddled me.  The best thing was MC kissed me on the top of my head, just a peck on my hair.  All my insecurity was gone, my frustration was gone, I spent the whole week locked in my bipolar madness, I was at war with no one other than my brain. This happens all too often, my emotions are always everywhere, the fight has been long but some days I am stronger and others I am in the struggle of my life.  Until my next  bipolar explosion.

About Veronica

I am Veronica and I am a long-suffering broken, depressed, medicated, extremely sarcastic bipolar person. I was diagnosed many years ago however the bipolar diagnosis was first conveyed when I was around eight years old. I have BPD2 (Bipolar Disorder 2) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and recently its been said I can add Borderline Personality Disorder. My new favorite diagnosis at present is TRD which sounds a little better that Treatment Resistant Depression. I have had Electroconvulsive Therapy a few times. *There is content in here which can trigger many things. I had considered writing something a very long time ago, but have so many depressive episodes I lose myself and then have to climb the wall again. I have beautiful manic episodes where there is no more reasoning with the other me and everything is fun and fast and free. They never end well; but in those moments life is exceptional. This blog is my way of working through my head. I love to write, I have boxes full of my words, in notebooks that have stories, poetry, pain, madness from within. It is mine. I write with hope that it will be read and connect with someone. I will listen to you if you need an ear, *I will always apply credit to another writers work if I am to use it. Only read if you wish. I welcome your comments and encouragements however I would appreciate that you are mindful that this is a public blog, which might be read by families and children and I would ask that you keep your replies to a “G” rated with a helpful rather than destructive tone. Sincerely Veronica - A work in progress!

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